Who knows

I want to give you better but that might not be me
It’s just like me to not see what kind of man I am
All this time I’ve been hiding the sadness in me
Or maybe you saw it in me
Who knows
Killing myself every other night because it’d feel so good to just not
To just not be the thing that held you down, to not be the thing that held me
So close to the ground, I’d hate to be buried because some of me would exist
Isn’t that sick
Isn’t it funny, I’ve been making jokes at my expense
People have been laughing that awkward laugh like where they’re looking
At the person next to me so they don’t have to make eye contact
It’s the burden of my presence but I think I’d be happier if I wasn’t present
At least I couldn’t be depressed
I wouldn’t forced to see the happiness in everyone around me
Or I won’t let me or I won’t let me
Who knows
It’s all in me but I can’t seem to parse through it
Breathing has become weirder like the irregular fluttering of a hurt butterfly
I catch myself thinking of what it could mean to be free
And if that freedom comes at the end of a barrel or at the top of a ladder
Like atop of a mountain there’ll be salvation for this turmoil
Who knows
I’m on one of those trips again
I’m in love with the sky when the sun is going down
Like maybe it’d be that way when I ride off into it
I’m the king of nothing but me but that’s nothing worth being

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