Am I right
About the glow I see at night
A sickly hue
Is it the end of me
I barely sleep
And when I do I beg for it to be deep
I’m so disgusted with my reflection
It’s exhausting me
So much of my mind set to keeping stability
Of the rickety bridge beneath my feet
But I feel it calling me
The nauseating light
Always just at the edge of my mind
Urging me to leap
Am I right
I want to see
Learning to fall asleep
Learning what thoughts to keep
It’s a struggle you know
I’ve been wandering
Watching the horror creep
Into my bones
Learning to be awake
Without feeling fake
Is a struggle I know
Slowly smothering
All of my hope
I can’t be the thing I was before
I’d like to see who I could be
Like is he happier with himself
Or does he smile more easily
My heart beats so much slower now
Like it knows what I’m thinking
I’m watching minutes become miles
A separate mind and corpse
I can’t cry much anymore
No more pity for me
Not even some from myself
Nor in anyone else
Please don’t be that thing
That haunts me so
Every mirror
A reminder
I am slipping
Losing grip
Slit purple wrists
Bleeding out
Whispering
Softly
I wonder
Will it
Hurt when
I
Take my
Life
I try not to think of you
I think you’re happier now
I hope you know you deserve it
It hurts that I’m so happy for you
I dreamt we held hands
Your hair shone so bright
That it stung to look at
So I kept you close
My lips pressed to yours
Pleasure like I’d never known
But you weren’t real
And I remembered all my heartache
Nothing could stop me from loving you
But nothing seems fast approaching
I spent so long pushing against the trap that cripples me
Your voice at the nape of my neck
Kept my spine from splintering
But nothing is closing around me
Lifting me up like a doll
Another one of its playthings
I feel myself caving under the pressure
But that’s okay
It’s okay
i couldn’t see clearly
through the shimmer of serendipity
and though its wings would shelter me
i, in mourning my memories,
couldn’t see clearly.
but clip away those feathers
and steel my eyes to truth
i find myself awakened
aware and present of my mindlessness
embracing what i once feared
people are temporary
and the wind takes us whenever it pleases
i might find a heart to briefly match my rhythm
but those moments are even more precious
when they’re stolen or thrown away
i can see clearly
that beading drops of love can only buy time
the only solution is the rejection of it
and now even through the murk
i can see clearly
In this cave of mine
I wonder what you’ve shared
Small points of flickering starlight
Remind me I’m still alive
And no matter how much I try
I still want to die
While wondering what I’d lost
In this little cave of mine
There’s a hourglass in my chest
And I know what time it keeps
Even after all this fighting
I’m not really trying to stay awake
I haven’t closed the door on the sandman
Instead I built a maze to slow him down
Slow the shifting sands just until they can forget me
So I might enter that sleep with a clearer conscience
Then I fucking relapse so hard and I can’t find someone to reach out to a panic begins to set in. I’m so disgusted with myself that the people I can reach out to I pull away from. I recoil from them like a vampire from sunlight. A werewolf from silver. I’m a fucking monster and I don’t see it getting any better. If I can’t fill my head with the voice of someone I love or respect then it’s just me in there and I’m not good company. I can be sure of that much so why not just reach out more and try and quell the rising rumble of rage and rejection of self that wrecks my reason and resolve? Because as I get down that list of voicemails and unread messages I become afraid of over extension and when I see those replies I become disgusted by my burdensome grotesque nature. I am a ghost haunting all the precious periods of peace that people I claim to love so painfully procured for themselves. Waiting to strike like a venomous snake and ruin their evening as they hear me hiss incessantly and watch in horror as I become Jormungander threatening to release my tail and bring about this Ragnarok. I am a fucking nightmare, a travesty and a monster.
Even though my voice is like autumn under foot
And my words are like winter in your bones
I just want to speak summer to your name
But this is the spring of our lives
It’s hard to let you go
But I’ve spent too long holding you back
Toss the O2 tank and put the mask up
Like what’s in the air duct
Is it oxygen or a poisonous fume
Am I healing or breathing in my own doom
Words can be powerful but who wouldn’t trade them for action
No more time for talk just me and my shield going in
Kill the demon in me every day just have the motherfucker come back
Ready to tear apart all the growth I made, teeth bared ready to attack
And it’s a fact that I love to hate myself because maybe it’ll justify
All times I felt like people left me behind
But I’m still growing too
I’m not that little kid who didn’t know what to do
Other than to cry a lot to anyone who would lend me an ear
Or put the tape on my knuckles ready strike out all of my fear
Into some other unwitting fool who is just as lost as me
Manipulated by the ego of the people who saw plainly
That we were just looking for a family to be with
Not the kid who kept pressing the issue until everyone was a full five fifths
Completely done with my shit but felt just enough pity to sit through it
Talking about there’s some good there but he’s such a whiny bitch
I guess some people hate when men cry
But I’d rather shed a million tears than tell another lie
Difference is now I know my tears are gold when I save them
Keep them for myself or the ones that know my vulnerability is a gem
Maybe I haven’t changed that much and all this is just echoes of my pride
So another day goes by while my heart and demon collide
Dear Me,
What’s up man we’ve been talking a lot lately but I just thought you should know you’re not a kid anymore. Like, grow the fuck up. You’re so fucking annoying to listen to. All this shit you do. All the talking. All the circles you run around in yourself and with other people is disgusting and unattractive. All these little changes like you’re not still emotionally crippled. Like you still can’t make normal decisions. Like you’re not the most annoying fucking person in the world. All the violence in your life and you’ve spent eight years being a bitch. Like just because you’re not street fighting that you made progress. No, you’re a soft coward. Who gives a fuck if you felt abandoned by your family. Who gives a fuck about your problems. Because you don’t know how to act. You can’t stop yourself from making those dumb decisions and being a gross coward. I hate that we’re in the same body. I hate that you can’t be a man. Please stop this shit. Let me take over and at least be fully committed to being a crazy dick. Remember how you were and all the pain and frustration you caused the people in your life. To the person in your life who was your life like of course they’re gone. Doesn’t matter that you tried to make things work because you didn’t make things work. You can’t even make things work with yourself. You can’t stop thinking about killing yourself because it’d be easier to than looking in the mirror. You’re not shit. You keep blowing things up. You can’t even quietly suffer. No you have to cry a hundred different times like you’ve never fucking been sad. But you’re just sad. You’re just sad all the time. I couldn’t bring myself to be quiet about it anymore because even this is just us pushing out all the shit you can’t deal with it into some shit that doesn’t really help you deal with anything. You’ll never be better. You’re never going to be that person for someone. You’re never going to be able to break this chain. You’ll never look into the eyes of a child and tell them they’re loved and see them grow up to be the man you couldn’t be. Even if you don’t kill yourself you’re going to die every day until you finally set sail on that sea of self-loathing. The ferryman won’t even pity you. You’re a nightmare waiting to become real.
Never know when the sun will fall out of the sky
Wonder if they’ll ever be enough of a goodbye
If I find my core I’ll strike a match and set it on fire
Find that warmth in me because I never want to rely on a star again
My heart has gone. I wonder where you have been. Wandering son find your way home. You have been stretching yourself too far for too long. My sweet heart, it’s okay that you did not find what you were looking for. I’ve made a place for you to rest in my chest. We can try again tomorrow.
How Hope Was Lost 