words from the black hole [ I ]

As time bends in deference
As light is pulled back into the abyss
I will endeavor to keep your hearts and dreams
A singularity of love lost and nightmares realized
A torch doused
A final embrace

Press thy lips together and silence your scream
Tighten your countenance
My words are harsh and permanent
But not going gently into this good night
Writes a statement that none will ever read
Welcome the disruption of destiny

Reject the expanse
The twirling and tumbling festivals of fire and flowers
Birth and vibrancy are couched in death and violence
Where suns burn bright and water becomes life
Pain is born in equal measure to joy
This gamble is forced upon you

But I am a certainty
There is peace in obliteration
A promise devoid of malice
A stillness
A kindness
An end

I am never quiet
Even when I am silent
I am never alone
Even when I am by myself
I am interlocked with the loudest part of me
A twisted echo in this hollow skull
So incessant that I tried to exorcize it
With 115 grains of holy full metal silence

And even though I “succeeded” in failure
This gaping wound not made yet still remains
When I look in the mirror
I see a Cheshire grinned copy
The hole through his…our head sutured but seeping
And stretching, the fibers are tearing
Where I have languished in grief and heartbreak
This grotesque simulacrum flourishes in that rot

I ruefully make eye contact with this doppelganger
And watch as he peels apart my skin
But to turn away would invite him into reality
So my subconscious insists upon our connection
As if to say drink in all that is you
A mountain of ether
A crown of air
A body of black matter

As the space between us closes in
And becomes too much to bear
He begins to sing a siren call
So loud that I cannot keep myself intact
I am degloving to the sound of cracking glass
But if I were to just give in and collapse
I would shed this self directed agnosia
Our voices would finally resonate as one and maybe then I will finally be quiet

I want to abandon all my rage
That hugs me tightly and lashes out
I will not stop beating upon my chest and gut
Till this anger is fettered by reason
And the seeds are buried in the rotted soil of my belly
Pray that it takes root and grows
Into a tree that sprouts and rips my skull open
And from this gaping wound some flowers might blossom
So that in my last moment I might finally bear fruit for my loved ones to eat

I’m behind the parapet looking over into the endless.

I bet she’s sleeping soundly at this very moment; wrapped or held and beyond the stars.

I feel the chasm call to me. It whispers sweet nothings and promises salvation.

I bet she is or will be loved.

So I leap.

I am pressing on into something better I hope

Life is short and I'll be unable to witness any fruits

But maybe for a brief moment there will be no labor

And I can breathe in deeply a calming stillness

I never notice when the weight is lifted
But I do know when it drops
A crushing force to my porous corpse
All my insides are flattened and I can see myself from the sky
I keep expecting my whole life to be laid out
So I can catalogue the backlog of reasons to not exist
I will make assertions about my character that I struggle to shake
Like black cats in ant hills
My ears ringing deaf to self validation and grace
My body torn asunder under the pressure of empty standards

There is a cold embrace
That I must face
A desire to live and be well
That I must now quell

I simply can not escape this forest
For this dolt is just a tourist
A disruptive visitor
Looking for something simpler

Good riddance to dreams
They only ever tore at my seams
Pulling me away my stability
And reminding me of all the fear still in me