I’m behind the parapet looking over into the endless.
I bet she’s sleeping soundly at this very moment; wrapped or held and beyond the stars.
I feel the chasm call to me. It whispers sweet nothings and promises salvation.
I bet she is or will be loved.
So I leap.
Was once told that maybe no one could feel like me
Lately I have thought that I do not feel like me
The deep ridges of my fingertips
That I carved so recklessly
Have filled in
Every thing I touched knew
That my id was suffering
Now I am nothing
My tornadoes are ending
And the hurricanes recede
Wondered if the Sun would show
But these pregnant clouds will not leave
I can feel the pores of my skin pool
With their stagnant warm water
But is it not in stale ponds
Where the most harmful bacteria grow
Think in your minds eye the person or place you would most like to see when it all begins to recede. The universe stops expanding and starts a hasty retreat. The Sun swells with immense melancholic pride to face its approaching demise and its light bloodies the sky and drowns out our cries. As that silence sweeps over us with whom would you find the most peace?
Right now I could not think of a single person who would pick me. Any face that I can conjure would rather be with another and I could not fault a single one. So I think I would pick my dog and hope that she would do me the favor and stay at my side. I would wrap my arms around her and put my head into her shoulder so that I could not see in her eyes where she would rather be.
Let me tell you a secret
Swear that you’ll speak it
Memories hurt the deepest
Self love or don’t love at all
They’re temporary
Stand alone or fall apart
Miss nothing or miss it all
Mourn the idea
And you’ll never recover
Hope these pills open me up
To a more pleasant breath
I’m all fucked up
My dog has been sleeping on my legs lately
Like she’s keeping my soul anchored to my body
Tell the people close to me to be alert
I might have an adverse reaction
Keep telling myself it’ll be okay
But I’m so afraid of Falls now
How do I get up
If I’m still prone from the last drop
I hated hearing that I wasn’t making it up
I held hope that I was just dramatic
That I was just full of fabrications
But I’m a tad bit more than a little crazy
Just shy of killing myself
Because even in suicidal tendencies I’m a half-ass
There’s a stigma tied to my symptoms I’m told
It’s all very well defined and nothing to be ashamed of
They say I might feel worse and to taper off
But if it means commitment I’ll just double down
I’d rather feel sure about death than keep living like this
Others
Care too much
Self
Not care enough
Rather not be right than right about wrong
Rather not be than be at all
Better quiet but talk too much
Better actions but not doing as such
Happier than thought possible
Happier isn’t stabile
Stability is worth
Am I right
About the glow I see at night
A sickly hue
Is it the end of me
I barely sleep
And when I do I beg for it to be deep
I’m so disgusted with my reflection
It’s exhausting me
So much of my mind set to keeping stability
Of the rickety bridge beneath my feet
But I feel it calling me
The nauseating light
Always just at the edge of my mind
Urging me to leap
Am I right
I want to see
Learning to fall asleep
Learning what thoughts to keep
It’s a struggle you know
I’ve been wandering
Watching the horror creep
Into my bones
Learning to be awake
Without feeling fake
Is a struggle I know
Slowly smothering
All of my hope
I can’t be the thing I was before
I’d like to see who I could be
Like is he happier with himself
Or does he smile more easily
My heart beats so much slower now
Like it knows what I’m thinking
I’m watching minutes become miles
A separate mind and corpse
I can’t cry much anymore
No more pity for me
Not even some from myself
Nor in anyone else
Please don’t be that thing
That haunts me so
Every mirror
A reminder
I am slipping
Losing grip
Slit purple wrists
Bleeding out
Whispering
Softly
I wonder
Will it
Hurt when
I
Take my
Life
Toss the O2 tank and put the mask up
Like what’s in the air duct
Is it oxygen or a poisonous fume
Am I healing or breathing in my own doom
Words can be powerful but who wouldn’t trade them for action
No more time for talk just me and my shield going in
Kill the demon in me every day just have the motherfucker come back
Ready to tear apart all the growth I made, teeth bared ready to attack
And it’s a fact that I love to hate myself because maybe it’ll justify
All times I felt like people left me behind
But I’m still growing too
I’m not that little kid who didn’t know what to do
Other than to cry a lot to anyone who would lend me an ear
Or put the tape on my knuckles ready strike out all of my fear
Into some other unwitting fool who is just as lost as me
Manipulated by the ego of the people who saw plainly
That we were just looking for a family to be with
Not the kid who kept pressing the issue until everyone was a full five fifths
Completely done with my shit but felt just enough pity to sit through it
Talking about there’s some good there but he’s such a whiny bitch
I guess some people hate when men cry
But I’d rather shed a million tears than tell another lie
Difference is now I know my tears are gold when I save them
Keep them for myself or the ones that know my vulnerability is a gem
Maybe I haven’t changed that much and all this is just echoes of my pride
So another day goes by while my heart and demon collide
How Hope Was Lost 