There is a cold embrace
That I must face
A desire to live and be well
That I must now quell
I simply can not escape this forest
For this dolt is just a tourist
A disruptive visitor
Looking for something simpler
Good riddance to dreams
They only ever tore at my seams
Pulling me away my stability
And reminding me of all the fear still in me
I visited my friend recently
I could feel myself personifying it
Thinking life into every branch and leaf
It told me I looked well watered
I could not tell it that I had been crying
But I think it knew
I sat in it’s shade
Pressed the bark against my skull
Let it tell me about all it had seen
There is rebar sticking through the tree
I dare not ask
But I wonder if it had been stabbed
Or if it grew around it
Undeterred by obstacles
I was really looking forward to showing you how to write your name. How to turn ink into an inferno, a proud declaration of existence emblazoned on to a flag that you would stab into the mountain of life. I was excited to see you have all the confidence I could never muster in myself. I had hoped to nourish you enough that you would never fall apart at the thought of yourself. That I would be there after your first goodbye kiss to tell you from experience that it would be all right. But I am realizing now for the thousandth time that I am not the man I hoped I would be.
I do not sleep much. I have been laying in bed thinking about how we will never meet. I used to be crippled by emotions but now I am running on empty. Every three steps forward is followed by thirty leaps back. That even if I could pull you into existence I do not think I would ever do right by you. I always end up not doing right by people. Because I have never done right by myself.
Unless it was right to not subject you to all this by realizing I am never going to be a father.
Hope these pills open me up
To a more pleasant breath
I’m all fucked up
My dog has been sleeping on my legs lately
Like she’s keeping my soul anchored to my body
Tell the people close to me to be alert
I might have an adverse reaction
Keep telling myself it’ll be okay
But I’m so afraid of Falls now
How do I get up
If I’m still prone from the last drop
I hated hearing that I wasn’t making it up
I held hope that I was just dramatic
That I was just full of fabrications
But I’m a tad bit more than a little crazy
Just shy of killing myself
Because even in suicidal tendencies I’m a half-ass
There’s a stigma tied to my symptoms I’m told
It’s all very well defined and nothing to be ashamed of
They say I might feel worse and to taper off
But if it means commitment I’ll just double down
I’d rather feel sure about death than keep living like this
You’re so sweet
But so was she
And look what I did
You’d be another casualty
Must set you free
Must take responsibility
Because I can’t love you
You’re so sweet
But so was she
And look how she did me
You’ll easily forget
I’m sure you see
The lack of value in me
Because no one could love me
You’re so sweet
That I wish I was better
But you deserve more
I’ll never do right by you
And I can’t waste your time
Thank you for trying
But I don’t love me
I can’t be the thing I was before
I’d like to see who I could be
Like is he happier with himself
Or does he smile more easily
My heart beats so much slower now
Like it knows what I’m thinking
I’m watching minutes become miles
A separate mind and corpse
I can’t cry much anymore
No more pity for me
Not even some from myself
Nor in anyone else
Please don’t be that thing
That haunts me so
Every mirror
A reminder
I am slipping
Losing grip
Slit purple wrists
Bleeding out
Whispering
Softly
I wonder
Will it
Hurt when
I
Take my
Life
There’s a hourglass in my chest
And I know what time it keeps
Even after all this fighting
I’m not really trying to stay awake
I haven’t closed the door on the sandman
Instead I built a maze to slow him down
Slow the shifting sands just until they can forget me
So I might enter that sleep with a clearer conscience
I don’t want to be happy
If it’s too greedy
Universe, just let me know either way
If you can take this pain away
I don’t need any thing other than this
Just take me away from my abyss
Just take all my feelings
Clip these wings
I don’t want to soar if it means falling so far
That I lose track of where the clouds are
I would rather be numb
Because otherwise I fear I will succumb
How Hope Was Lost 