I am forgetting how you smell

I have been refusing to remind myself

Of the sound of your laugh

So it can fade into the past

But I still feel where your thighs would hold my knee

Like someone carved the meat & bone out of me

And as your beauty fades

My rot remains

You are far from perfect

But I am clearly a derelict

All this dedication to my contrition

All the good intentions but I forgot the mission

I was not supposed to sleep

Till the whisper of a foxglove did not make me weep

Joy and pain come to me quickly

They rip and tear into me cruelly

ngtbaf

I was really looking forward to showing you how to write your name. How to turn ink into an inferno, a proud declaration of existence emblazoned on to a flag that you would stab into the mountain of life. I was excited to see you have all the confidence I could never muster in myself. I had hoped to nourish you enough that you would never fall apart at the thought of yourself. That I would be there after your first goodbye kiss to tell you from experience that it would be all right. But I am realizing now for the thousandth time that I am not the man I hoped I would be.

I do not sleep much. I have been laying in bed thinking about how we will never meet. I used to be crippled by emotions but now I am running on empty. Every three steps forward is followed by thirty leaps back. That even if I could pull you into existence I do not think I would ever do right by you. I always end up not doing right by people. Because I have never done right by myself.

Unless it was right to not subject you to all this by realizing I am never going to be a father.

When it ends

Think in your minds eye the person or place you would most like to see when it all begins to recede. The universe stops expanding and starts a hasty retreat. The Sun swells with immense melancholic pride to face its approaching demise and its light bloodies the sky and drowns out our cries. As that silence sweeps over us with whom would you find the most peace?

Right now I could not think of a single person who would pick me. Any face that I can conjure would rather be with another and I could not fault a single one. So I think I would pick my dog and hope that she would do me the favor and stay at my side. I would wrap my arms around her and put my head into her shoulder so that I could not see in her eyes where she would rather be.

Let me tell you a secret

Swear that you’ll speak it

Memories hurt the deepest

Self love or don’t love at all

They’re temporary

Stand alone or fall apart

Miss nothing or miss it all

Mourn the idea

And you’ll never recover

Nothing could stop me from loving you

But nothing seems fast approaching

I spent so long pushing against the trap that cripples me

Your voice at the nape of my neck

Kept my spine from splintering

But nothing is closing around me

Lifting me up like a doll

Another one of its playthings

I feel myself caving under the pressure

But that’s okay

It’s okay

Addendum to “Better Than Yesterday”

An addendum

Never mind! You don’t owe me
I’ve always been one to get up to speed slowly
I never wanted you to be unhappy, but now I never want to be unhappy again
Truly, I admire that you hope eventually you can still be my friend
But you took a date the next day
You’re out there talking about how your and his future may
Be something serious and how you might fly away
And to that “I am happy for you” is something I can honestly say
But you couldn’t wait until after the 25th to confirm that you were taking the dog soon
I don’t normally care about holidays but it’s been a hard season for me so to hear that was like my heart had been struck by a harpoon
And you know me so all the venom came out of my throat like a geyser
Maybe Christmas wasn’t the best time, you could have been a little bit wiser
And I don’t know if when you’re by yourself if you’ve been able to shed a single tear for me
But soon I won’t have any time to spare so don’t be surprised if you don’t hear from me
I need some fucking therapy
So I can be the man that I hope to be for me

For no one

You know I’d come to find you
If you asked me to hold you I’d be inclined to
Press my hands against the blades of your back so hard that the love would cut my palms
Swallow whole all the regret we felt so deep into my chest and exhale psalms
Of love and devotion
But you’d be holding a knife into my emotion
And I’d let you
You’d never want me too
But I would die just to keep you whole
As I’d go limp in your arms you’d mourn the toll
And no one would be happy
So, I’ll just let you go and work through this melancholy
Fill myself with hope that tomorrow will be different
Till the demon in me is so insignificant
That I can finally be the man I want to be
For no one but me

I don’t want to be happy

If it’s too greedy

Universe, just let me know either way

If you can take this pain away

I don’t need any thing other than this

Just take me away from my abyss

Just take all my feelings

Clip these wings

I don’t want to soar if it means falling so far

That I lose track of where the clouds are

I would rather be numb

Because otherwise I fear I will succumb

Better than yesterday

I need therapy
You know I haven’t been very fair to me
I’m sure my mother wanted to be at my elementary concert
I knew she couldn’t but it didn’t stop me from lying that she had to work

It didn’t change that when I looked out at that sea of faces
My innocent eyes fell onto two empty spaces
The man, by all accounts my father, couldn’t even bother to show
So my gaze kept pacing across all those loving smiles with no where to go

I’d never felt real heartbreak until that day
“Why don’t they love me” was the first thing I’d ever heard the demon say
And he’d orate to me the many sins of my being alive
His diction nasty and gnarled behind snapping teeth but he never spoke any lies

My insecurities about never having felt like a son
Led me to toxic blood that picked me up and made me into one
I was driven to hurt and be hurt out of a sick sense of loyalty
All the while that blood stroked the fires of my entropy

I dipped my hands into the sweet release of violence
The pain a welcome ringing to buy me some silence
Suffering offered up to satiate the evil inside
A reprieve from all the voices that made wish I had prematurely died

And even they left me behind
My softness a reminder that I was a broken find
A weak heart that wanted to be loved and to love
A sick mind that knows I’ll never be enough

But it’s harder now than it’s ever been
Because with you I found some kind of salvation

You’re supposed to be my chosen family
How the fuck can you abandon me
I never wanted you to be unhappy
So why didn’t you fucking slap me
Push my face into the wall
And let me know that I was at risk of losing it all
Wait, stop I need to be be better than I was yesterday
I need to be better than I was yesterday
One step ahead of the other keep focused on the light
But actually I’m stumbling around in the middle of the night
Wondering if you’re out there trying to replace me
Clawing at and fighting myself trying to not disgrace me
Seeing you so quickly put me on the shelf
Please I need to stop this and be better for myself
Trying to stay true to the man I want to be
For when you think of me
Even if I knew I know I wouldn’t find peace
And all that’d come of it would be that I’d know with a mentally ill guarantee
That you’re laughing and smiling with some other man
I’d never ask you to be unhappy but couldn’t there have been a fucking plan
Couldn’t you have given me a chance to be by my side while I got better
A moments notice before you pulled that fucking lever
Because now I’m swimming in this sea of depression
Flailing and grabbing at anything to lessen
The burden of my heartache
And it’s not your fault that I’m sick every minute that I’m awake
It’s not your responsibility to watch over me while I rest
To keep the demon from crawling back in and out of my chest

But you’re supposed to be my family
Some part of my sickness thinks you take moments out of each night to laugh at me
That when we see each other again you’ll smile and look down on me callously
Like it isn’t a fucking fallacy
That you want me to be happy but you didn’t think to let me in on the fact you weren’t

You used to mention that it made you sad that even when I was mad at you
If you cried I’d immediately try and comfort you
But I can’t expect that of you or anyone else
Because you can’t really love someone who doesn’t love them

I need to get some fucking therapy
Because if I don’t want to kill myself all I want is for you to marry me
I need to be better than I was yesterday
I want to find the good parts of me and throw the rest away
So that I can stand up tall and be righteous in my affection
And to be free of all remnants of the unhealthy obsession
I want be better than I was yesterday
And find the little boy looking out at the crowd for his family
To see you smiling back at the man I want to be when you think of me