My sweet heart

My heart has gone. I wonder where you have been. Wandering son find your way home. You have been stretching yourself too far for too long. My sweet heart, it’s okay that you did not find what you were looking for. I’ve made a place for you to rest in my chest. We can try again tomorrow.

me cont.

Do you remember what it was like to watch movies on that laptop
The screen was the only light in the room and I’d sneak glances at you
I swear I’d never known what the word beautiful meant before you
You’re moving on now and I could swear I’d never known the word pain before
My heart is so raw and I wish I could say it was rare that I felt this way
But you know me I’m just damaged goods
And as much as you or anyone can say that I’m not
That I’m a good person
I’m addicted to hating myself
I love the idea of dying

Nothing I have ever written has been as hard as this next part. I’ve stared at this screen for the last few minutes crying. I don’t know why I’ve always lied to myself like this isn’t true. Trying to write this out has my chest tightening in a way that I haven’t felt very often. I’m crying harder now than I have during this whole situation. I love to hate myself but I hate that I want to love to myself more than anything.

I love the way I can make people smile
I love that people sometimes come to me
I love that my brother looks up to me
I love that my mother is proud of me
I love that when I look in the mirror sometimes I don’t want to kill myself
Because one day I’m going to love my children the way that I wanted to be loved
I love that I still think that I will get to have kids
I love that my dogs have both loved me
I love that I had to strength to move past all the people who used me
I love that there are good people who love me even when I can’t think of any reason to
I love that I’ll be a better man than my father
I love you me , so please let me breathe
Please let go of my heart and let me breathe peacefully
I love you me and as much as you revolt
I don’t want to let go
We’re in this together so please let my heart go
We don’t need him anymore so please let him go
I love you me, so please let us breathe
I want to breathe

Become

I’m pathetic
There I said it
Why can’t I bite my tongue
Why’s every little bit of emotion got to be wrung
Out and aired like dirty laundry
I can’t find the balance in me
It’s eating up my insides and I’m fucking done
Ready to get another gun
And keep pulling the trigger till even my soul is dead
Take that leap of faith, crash head first into a pool filled with lead
Hope that if the fall doesn’t do it the pieces of my skull will enter my brain
Take a long razor and open my throat to cut the cord that won’t stop bringing words to this pain
I want to die & every little bit of suicide in me are just nails and knickknacks that I kept in my shed
Baggage that I refused to toss out from when any emotion was better than the voices in my head
But I’m not a kid, not yet a man
Fuck the plan
I’m ready to run myself down till I’m in the ground
Scream eternal while kicking the dirt in on me till no one hears a sound
I want to kill myself. I want to die. I want to die. I want to die.
So, why won’t I fucking shut up and try?!
Because I need to feed my dog every day
Because there’s not a fucking thing in this world that’ll get in my way
When I come for you and eventually nothing will be able to stop me when I come looking for me too
I’m not ready to be the black mark on my mothers heart, my name a taboo
No, I’m not done living and every little bit of suicide can pester me till the day I actually die from something other than me
Because I want to be free
Of this burden
Of this demon
Of this suffering
I am going to keep untwisting the shackles of my depression, anxiety, insecurity and pride
Till I find that little me who all those years ago chose to hide
And I’m going to hug him, I’m going to hold him till we’re one in body and soul
Try and give back all the happiness that I stole
I won’t ever be able to love who I am
But maybe I can love the person I’ll become

The Train

Last night I watched a train enamored with it’s presence and show
I wondered what it’d be like to race one, really give it a go
Or cross it’s path and leave this world in a violent spray of sparks and fire
The sound of screeching metal the last song I’d ever hear, bellowing higher
Than any scream I could muster, than any cry of anguish I could ever hope to make
But it didn’t take any energy to not accelerate, another instance where my own life I could not take
The simple beauty of the metal wheels hurling past me was enough for me
It’s speeding mass a reminder that no matter what I do there’s a one way to guarantee
An end to the chaos in my mind, a simple solution to a tiny complex conundrum
So I closed my eyes and just listened to the train sing away my depression’s tantrum

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One moment at a time

A little preamble on this. I wrote the first two lines of this in 2013 when I started to feel suicidal again. It felt like a huge step back for me. I honestly don’t know much about depression and anxiety. I was diagnosed when I was a child and put on Zoloft for about a year and when on the medication I felt either numb or severely suicidal. So I stopped. I stopped taking the medication and for a while I struggled with my insecurities, anxieties and depression but it was manageable and over time I felt like I had entered a better place. I still had crippling insecurities and anxiety but my depression was much less of an issue.

Fast forward to 2013 and it started to rear it’s ugly head again. It’s been five years now and I recently have hit a peak in my emotions and it really tossed the balance out the window. I am not sure if I will be able to love myself. Part of me wants to try and looks for reasons to live. Another part of me finds each of those reasons excruciating because that part wants to die. The obligations, connections and logic behind living is traumatic. Another barrier to finding peace in not existing.

When I wrote these two lines I assumed that I did love myself. That that’s why I was struggling so much with killing myself. But now I know that I don’t love myself and maybe that’s okay. I thought about slitting my wrists length wise and then shooting myself. So that even if I miss my brain stem I’d bleed to death. I googled the best way to shoot myself to ensure that’d I die. I found some forums discussing it but with platitudes about not hurting yourself and it start the hum of disassociation in me. That I didn’t want read or hear about being safe or better. On my third search result I read an article about a woman named Christen McGinnes and she saved my life this morning.

I love you, me
Then why don’t I want to breathe

I love you, me.  So why don’t I want to breathe? So obsessed with doing right by people but I’m not doing right by me. I’m not doing right by me. I’m not holding true any of my principles and philosophies. I’m begging you to hold on, please. But it be can’t her and it can’t them. It has to be me. I love you, me. I want to love you, me. Let me hold you and make still this heart attack.