Let me tell you a secret

Swear that you’ll speak it

Memories hurt the deepest

Self love or don’t love at all

They’re temporary

Stand alone or fall apart

Miss nothing or miss it all

Mourn the idea

And you’ll never recover

Nothing could stop me from loving you

But nothing seems fast approaching

I spent so long pushing against the trap that cripples me

Your voice at the nape of my neck

Kept my spine from splintering

But nothing is closing around me

Lifting me up like a doll

Another one of its playthings

I feel myself caving under the pressure

But that’s okay

It’s okay

I don’t want to be happy

If it’s too greedy

Universe, just let me know either way

If you can take this pain away

I don’t need any thing other than this

Just take me away from my abyss

Just take all my feelings

Clip these wings

I don’t want to soar if it means falling so far

That I lose track of where the clouds are

I would rather be numb

Because otherwise I fear I will succumb

Untitled

I wrote this in 2009. I was 17 years old. A sobering and morose reminder that this thing in me has been there for the majority of my life and I’ve yet to conquer it.

Insecurity.

It lurks,
threatens my every thought
Even those I don’t yet fathom.

I must be strong.

Wakes me with a kiss,
and with duplicitous panache,
stirs bittersweet introspection into my tea.

I must stand my ground.

Derisive laughter heralds it’s presence,
Ha! Ha! Ha!
an un-winnable internal battle ensues…

Please, no…

Really now?
What shit is this!?
Do you think these words, your words, matter?
How laughable! How pathetic! How naive of you!

Shake it! Just shake it off, my words DO matter!

Bullshit!
There isn’t any talent
inside your addled head,
even if there was,
who could possibly care?!
Why waste valuable time
energy and emotion when
not a single person gives a shit!?

Artistic expression doesn’t have to be anything but what it is. . .

What artistic expression?!
When I write…
Who ARE you kidding?!
I’m not trying to kid anyone.. I
Why pretend? We both you aren’t worth shit in this world!
I..

You’ve nothing to offer of yourself or anyone else
with your pitiful ”abilities”, nothing!
Look at the records!
How many have left you?
How many respect you?
How many have given you the slip?!

I begin succumb to the doubt, why fight it?
What’s the goddamned point of it all?

Fuck it!
I give up… no… we give in.