I am pressing on into something better I hope
Life is short and I'll be unable to witness any fruits
But maybe for a brief moment there will be no labor
And I can breathe in deeply a calming stillness
Shortness of breath
Pressing our souls
Together like hands held
In content and contempt
Tenderly laying me to rest
Your smile is betrayed
By the pity in your countenance
My heart and eyes are heavy
I would rather leave
But I keep pushing
Was once told that maybe no one could feel like me
Lately I have thought that I do not feel like me
The deep ridges of my fingertips
That I carved so recklessly
Have filled in
Every thing I touched knew
That my id was suffering
Now I am nothing
My tornadoes are ending
And the hurricanes recede
Wondered if the Sun would show
But these pregnant clouds will not leave
I can feel the pores of my skin pool
With their stagnant warm water
But is it not in stale ponds
Where the most harmful bacteria grow
I was really looking forward to showing you how to write your name. How to turn ink into an inferno, a proud declaration of existence emblazoned on to a flag that you would stab into the mountain of life. I was excited to see you have all the confidence I could never muster in myself. I had hoped to nourish you enough that you would never fall apart at the thought of yourself. That I would be there after your first goodbye kiss to tell you from experience that it would be all right. But I am realizing now for the thousandth time that I am not the man I hoped I would be.
I do not sleep much. I have been laying in bed thinking about how we will never meet. I used to be crippled by emotions but now I am running on empty. Every three steps forward is followed by thirty leaps back. That even if I could pull you into existence I do not think I would ever do right by you. I always end up not doing right by people. Because I have never done right by myself.
Unless it was right to not subject you to all this by realizing I am never going to be a father.
I am not sure if I can do this any more
And at my lowest a memory reminds me
Of a time from long before
Cruelly corrupted by my coddled entropy
My wicked hands drum up a devil
Whose eyes are purple and green
Gifts outstretched and ready to revel
Upon this gruesome scene
Whether it be poisoned water
Or a piece of cold rounded lead
In an old colt revolver
I come back to rather being dead
Because I am
Way more comfortable in pain
And all this “growth” is a scam
Synthetic hope to shoot in my veins
I keep tricking people into a belief
That my tomorrow is guaranteed
But I am a liar and a thief
Robbing their trust for my needs
Whether it be injection or a gun
In the end my body will burn
I am ready for this to be done
I am ready to rest in my urn
Think in your minds eye the person or place you would most like to see when it all begins to recede. The universe stops expanding and starts a hasty retreat. The Sun swells with immense melancholic pride to face its approaching demise and its light bloodies the sky and drowns out our cries. As that silence sweeps over us with whom would you find the most peace?
Right now I could not think of a single person who would pick me. Any face that I can conjure would rather be with another and I could not fault a single one. So I think I would pick my dog and hope that she would do me the favor and stay at my side. I would wrap my arms around her and put my head into her shoulder so that I could not see in her eyes where she would rather be.
Let me tell you a secret
Swear that you’ll speak it
Memories hurt the deepest
Self love or don’t love at all
Stand alone or fall apart
Miss nothing or miss it all
Mourn the idea
And you’ll never recover
Care too much
Not care enough
Rather not be right than right about wrong
Rather not be than be at all
Better quiet but talk too much
Better actions but not doing as such
Happier than thought possible
Happier isn’t stabile
Stability is worth
Learning to fall asleep
Learning what thoughts to keep
It’s a struggle you know
I’ve been wandering
Watching the horror creep
Into my bones
Learning to be awake
Without feeling fake
Is a struggle I know
All of my hope
Nothing could stop me from loving you
But nothing seems fast approaching
I spent so long pushing against the trap that cripples me
Your voice at the nape of my neck
Kept my spine from splintering
But nothing is closing around me
Lifting me up like a doll
Another one of its playthings
I feel myself caving under the pressure
But that’s okay
In this cave of mine
I wonder what you’ve shared
Small points of flickering starlight
Remind me I’m still alive
And no matter how much I try
I still want to die
While wondering what I’d lost
In this little cave of mine
I don’t want to be happy
If it’s too greedy
Universe, just let me know either way
If you can take this pain away
I don’t need any thing other than this
Just take me away from my abyss
Just take all my feelings
Clip these wings
I don’t want to soar if it means falling so far
That I lose track of where the clouds are
I would rather be numb
Because otherwise I fear I will succumb
I wrote this in 2009. I was 17 years old. A sobering and morose reminder that this thing in me has been there for the majority of my life and I’ve yet to conquer it.
threatens my every thought
Even those I don’t yet fathom.
I must be strong.
Wakes me with a kiss,
and with duplicitous panache,
stirs bittersweet introspection into my tea.
I must stand my ground.
Derisive laughter heralds it’s presence,
Ha! Ha! Ha!
an un-winnable internal battle ensues…
What shit is this!?
Do you think these words, your words, matter?
How laughable! How pathetic! How naive of you!
Shake it! Just shake it off, my words DO matter!
There isn’t any talent
inside your addled head,
even if there was,
who could possibly care?!
Why waste valuable time
energy and emotion when
not a single person gives a shit!?
Artistic expression doesn’t have to be anything but what it is. . .
What artistic expression?!
When I write…
Who ARE you kidding?!
I’m not trying to kid anyone.. I
Why pretend? We both you aren’t worth shit in this world!
You’ve nothing to offer of yourself or anyone else
with your pitiful ”abilities”, nothing!
Look at the records!
How many have left you?
How many respect you?
How many have given you the slip?!
I begin succumb to the doubt, why fight it?
What’s the goddamned point of it all?
I give up… no… we give in.
I need therapy
You know I haven’t been very fair to me
I’m sure my mother wanted to be at my elementary concert
I knew she couldn’t but it didn’t stop me from lying that she had to work
It didn’t change that when I looked out at that sea of faces
My innocent eyes fell onto two empty spaces
The man, by all accounts my father, couldn’t even bother to show
So my gaze kept pacing across all those loving smiles with no where to go
I’d never felt real heartbreak until that day
“Why don’t they love me” was the first thing I’d ever heard the demon say
And he’d orate to me the many sins of my being alive
His diction nasty and gnarled behind snapping teeth but he never spoke any lies
My insecurities about never having felt like a son
Led me to toxic blood that picked me up and made me into one
I was driven to hurt and be hurt out of a sick sense of loyalty
All the while that blood stroked the fires of my entropy
I dipped my hands into the sweet release of violence
The pain a welcome ringing to buy me some silence
Suffering offered up to satiate the evil inside
A reprieve from all the voices that made wish I had prematurely died
And even they left me behind
My softness a reminder that I was a broken find
A weak heart that wanted to be loved and to love
A sick mind that knows I’ll never be enough
But it’s harder now than it’s ever been
Because with you I found some kind of salvation
You’re supposed to be my chosen family
How the fuck can you abandon me
I never wanted you to be unhappy
So why didn’t you fucking slap me
Push my face into the wall
And let me know that I was at risk of losing it all
Wait, stop I need to be be better than I was yesterday
I need to be better than I was yesterday
One step ahead of the other keep focused on the light
But actually I’m stumbling around in the middle of the night
Wondering if you’re out there trying to replace me
Clawing at and fighting myself trying to not disgrace me
Seeing you so quickly put me on the shelf
Please I need to stop this and be better for myself
Trying to stay true to the man I want to be
For when you think of me
Even if I knew I know I wouldn’t find peace
And all that’d come of it would be that I’d know with a mentally ill guarantee
That you’re laughing and smiling with some other man
I’d never ask you to be unhappy but couldn’t there have been a fucking plan
Couldn’t you have given me a chance to be by my side while I got better
A moments notice before you pulled that fucking lever
Because now I’m swimming in this sea of depression
Flailing and grabbing at anything to lessen
The burden of my heartache
And it’s not your fault that I’m sick every minute that I’m awake
It’s not your responsibility to watch over me while I rest
To keep the demon from crawling back in and out of my chest
But you’re supposed to be my family
Some part of my sickness thinks you take moments out of each night to laugh at me
That when we see each other again you’ll smile and look down on me callously
Like it isn’t a fucking fallacy
That you want me to be happy but you didn’t think to let me in on the fact you weren’t
You used to mention that it made you sad that even when I was mad at you
If you cried I’d immediately try and comfort you
But I can’t expect that of you or anyone else
Because you can’t really love someone who doesn’t love them
I need to get some fucking therapy
Because if I don’t want to kill myself all I want is for you to marry me
I need to be better than I was yesterday
I want to find the good parts of me and throw the rest away
So that I can stand up tall and be righteous in my affection
And to be free of all remnants of the unhealthy obsession
I want be better than I was yesterday
And find the little boy looking out at the crowd for his family
To see you smiling back at the man I want to be when you think of me