I am forgetting how you smell

I have been refusing to remind myself

Of the sound of your laugh

So it can fade into the past

But I still feel where your thighs would hold my knee

Like someone carved the meat & bone out of me

And as your beauty fades

My rot remains

You are far from perfect

But I am clearly a derelict

All this dedication to my contrition

All the good intentions but I forgot the mission

I was not supposed to sleep

Till the whisper of a foxglove did not make me weep

Joy and pain come to me quickly

They rip and tear into me cruelly

Was once told that maybe no one could feel like me

Lately I have thought that I do not feel like me

The deep ridges of my fingertips

That I carved so recklessly

Have filled in

Every thing I touched knew

That my id was suffering

Now I am nothing

My tornadoes are ending

And the hurricanes recede

Wondered if the Sun would show

But these pregnant clouds will not leave

I can feel the pores of my skin pool

With their stagnant warm water

But is it not in stale ponds

Where the most harmful bacteria grow

When it ends

Think in your minds eye the person or place you would most like to see when it all begins to recede. The universe stops expanding and starts a hasty retreat. The Sun swells with immense melancholic pride to face its approaching demise and its light bloodies the sky and drowns out our cries. As that silence sweeps over us with whom would you find the most peace?

Right now I could not think of a single person who would pick me. Any face that I can conjure would rather be with another and I could not fault a single one. So I think I would pick my dog and hope that she would do me the favor and stay at my side. I would wrap my arms around her and put my head into her shoulder so that I could not see in her eyes where she would rather be.

Let me tell you a secret

Swear that you’ll speak it

Memories hurt the deepest

Self love or don’t love at all

They’re temporary

Stand alone or fall apart

Miss nothing or miss it all

Mourn the idea

And you’ll never recover

Better this way

You’re so sweet

But so was she

And look what I did

You’d be another casualty

Must set you free

Must take responsibility

Because I can’t love you


You’re so sweet

But so was she

And look how she did me

You’ll easily forget

I’m sure you see

The lack of value in me

Because no one could love me


You’re so sweet

That I wish I was better

But you deserve more

I’ll never do right by you

And I can’t waste your time

Thank you for trying

But I don’t love me

a monster

Then I fucking relapse so hard and I can’t find someone to reach out to a panic begins to set in. I’m so disgusted with myself that the people I can reach out to I pull away from. I recoil from them like a vampire from sunlight. A werewolf from silver. I’m a fucking monster and I don’t see it getting any better. If I can’t fill my head with the voice of someone I love or respect then it’s just me in there and I’m not good company. I can be sure of that much so why not just reach out more and try and quell the rising rumble of rage and rejection of self that wrecks my reason and resolve? Because as I get down that list of voicemails and unread messages I become afraid of over extension and when I see those replies I become disgusted by my burdensome grotesque nature. I am a ghost haunting all the precious periods of peace that people I claim to love so painfully procured for themselves. Waiting to strike like a venomous snake and ruin their evening as they hear me hiss incessantly and watch in horror as I become Jormungander threatening to release my tail and bring about this Ragnarok. I am a fucking nightmare, a travesty and a monster.