To all the stars that we each will see
I hope you keep this as a memory
Not just of me
But also as a reminder to have hope in the face of entropy
Tag Archives: love
I’m behind the parapet looking over into the endless.
I bet she’s sleeping soundly at this very moment; wrapped or held and beyond the stars.
I feel the chasm call to me. It whispers sweet nothings and promises salvation.
I bet she is or will be loved.
So I leap.
I am pressing on into something better I hope
Life is short and I'll be unable to witness any fruits
But maybe for a brief moment there will be no labor
And I can breathe in deeply a calming stillness
eulogy
Goodbye to the man that could have been
I wish I had died in your place
Your heart was so much fuller than mine
Your smile came freely
And your arms were strengthened by the conviction
That your love was pure
But you are gone
And I am all that is left
Not enough for myself
Or anyone else
So, goodbye to the man should have been
I am forgetting how you smell
I have been refusing to remind myself
Of the sound of your laugh
So it can fade into the past
But I still feel where your thighs would hold my knee
Like someone carved the meat & bone out of me
And as your beauty fades
My rot remains
You are far from perfect
But I am clearly a derelict
All this dedication to my contrition
All the good intentions but I forgot the mission
I was not supposed to sleep
Till the whisper of a foxglove did not make me weep
Joy and pain come to me quickly
They rip and tear into me cruelly
Let me tell you a secret
Swear that you’ll speak it
Memories hurt the deepest
Self love or don’t love at all
They’re temporary
Stand alone or fall apart
Miss nothing or miss it all
Mourn the idea
And you’ll never recover
I don’t hold things sacred often. But I drive by this tree everyday. Seeing it in the morning and in the evening used to be a point of shame for me. This tree is a five minute walk from my house. One year ago I walked out to this tree and I sat underneath it with my gun for several hours. I cried and screamed and was the closest I had ever been to commiting suicide. I had only loaded a single round into the magazine and when it felt like my head was splitting open I shot the gun into the ground and threw up. I voluntarily gave the gun to a close friend for until I’m healthier. Back then the grass was overgrown, there were pieces of rebar and the tree was bare from the cold weather. It’s now well kept as they are planning to sell the land. The last few weeks driving by this tree has been a comfort. It’s now a marker that I have had 365 victories in a row. I have been if only in this one aspect of my life successful. I don’t normally condone the marking of trees and stuff since they’re living but I made a small exception. This tree is sacred to me because I live. I don’t have a bright follow up message but I’m alive today and I’m thankful for that.
I try not to think of you
I think you’re happier now
I hope you know you deserve it
It hurts that I’m so happy for you
when does summer start
A sweet song plays through the night
The hum of a summer evening speaks a good lie
I should have covered my arms with tattoos of my eyes
So that when we held each other I could see you from all sides
HMGA (2012)
I dreamt we held hands
Your hair shone so bright
That it stung to look at
So I kept you close
My lips pressed to yours
Pleasure like I’d never known
But you weren’t real
And I remembered all my heartache
Untitled
Even though my voice is like autumn under foot
And my words are like winter in your bones
I just want to speak summer to your name
But this is the spring of our lives
It’s hard to let you go
But I’ve spent too long holding you back
Angel
Embers speak the name
Of an angel who fell in love
A great rain was coming to take her away
His heart ached under the burden of immortality
He dreamed of becoming human
Saw the balance in death against a life lived well
So he tore his off his wings to build her a home
As he bled and faded into that abyss
His feathered roof kept her dry
And he closed his eyes one last time with a smile
Sun
Never know when the sun will fall out of the sky
Wonder if they’ll ever be enough of a goodbye
If I find my core I’ll strike a match and set it on fire
Find that warmth in me because I never want to rely on a star again
me cont.
Do you remember what it was like to watch movies on that laptop
The screen was the only light in the room and I’d sneak glances at you
I swear I’d never known what the word beautiful meant before you
You’re moving on now and I could swear I’d never known the word pain before
My heart is so raw and I wish I could say it was rare that I felt this way
But you know me I’m just damaged goods
And as much as you or anyone can say that I’m not
That I’m a good person
I’m addicted to hating myself
I love the idea of dying
Nothing I have ever written has been as hard as this next part. I’ve stared at this screen for the last few minutes crying. I don’t know why I’ve always lied to myself like this isn’t true. Trying to write this out has my chest tightening in a way that I haven’t felt very often. I’m crying harder now than I have during this whole situation. I love to hate myself but I hate that I want to love to myself more than anything.
I love the way I can make people smile
I love that people sometimes come to me
I love that my brother looks up to me
I love that my mother is proud of me
I love that when I look in the mirror sometimes I don’t want to kill myself
Because one day I’m going to love my children the way that I wanted to be loved
I love that I still think that I will get to have kids
I love that my dogs have both loved me
I love that I had to strength to move past all the people who used me
I love that there are good people who love me even when I can’t think of any reason to
I love that I’ll be a better man than my father
I love you me , so please let me breathe
Please let go of my heart and let me breathe peacefully
I love you me and as much as you revolt
I don’t want to let go
We’re in this together so please let my heart go
We don’t need him anymore so please let him go
I love you me, so please let us breathe
I want to breathe
Addendum to “Better Than Yesterday”
An addendum
Never mind! You don’t owe me
I’ve always been one to get up to speed slowly
I never wanted you to be unhappy, but now I never want to be unhappy again
Truly, I admire that you hope eventually you can still be my friend
But you took a date the next day
You’re out there talking about how your and his future may
Be something serious and how you might fly away
And to that “I am happy for you” is something I can honestly say
But you couldn’t wait until after the 25th to confirm that you were taking the dog soon
I don’t normally care about holidays but it’s been a hard season for me so to hear that was like my heart had been struck by a harpoon
And you know me so all the venom came out of my throat like a geyser
Maybe Christmas wasn’t the best time, you could have been a little bit wiser
And I don’t know if when you’re by yourself if you’ve been able to shed a single tear for me
But soon I won’t have any time to spare so don’t be surprised if you don’t hear from me
I need some fucking therapy
So I can be the man that I hope to be for me
How Hope Was Lost 