Nothing could stop me from loving you
But nothing seems fast approaching
I spent so long pushing against the trap that cripples me
Your voice at the nape of my neck
Kept my spine from splintering
But nothing is closing around me
Lifting me up like a doll
Another one of its playthings
I feel myself caving under the pressure
But that’s okay
It’s okay
There’s a hourglass in my chest
And I know what time it keeps
Even after all this fighting
I’m not really trying to stay awake
I haven’t closed the door on the sandman
Instead I built a maze to slow him down
Slow the shifting sands just until they can forget me
So I might enter that sleep with a clearer conscience
Then I fucking relapse so hard and I can’t find someone to reach out to a panic begins to set in. I’m so disgusted with myself that the people I can reach out to I pull away from. I recoil from them like a vampire from sunlight. A werewolf from silver. I’m a fucking monster and I don’t see it getting any better. If I can’t fill my head with the voice of someone I love or respect then it’s just me in there and I’m not good company. I can be sure of that much so why not just reach out more and try and quell the rising rumble of rage and rejection of self that wrecks my reason and resolve? Because as I get down that list of voicemails and unread messages I become afraid of over extension and when I see those replies I become disgusted by my burdensome grotesque nature. I am a ghost haunting all the precious periods of peace that people I claim to love so painfully procured for themselves. Waiting to strike like a venomous snake and ruin their evening as they hear me hiss incessantly and watch in horror as I become Jormungander threatening to release my tail and bring about this Ragnarok. I am a fucking nightmare, a travesty and a monster.
Even though my voice is like autumn under foot
And my words are like winter in your bones
I just want to speak summer to your name
But this is the spring of our lives
It’s hard to let you go
But I’ve spent too long holding you back
I fell asleep but my dreams chased me away
The nausea of what I’d done still in my head as if to say
That it was not a nightmare but a premonition
A promise of my continued condition
That there is no peace to be had in the future
That I should just tear at this suture
To let all the chaos flow from me like a river
And into the void my soul I should deliver
How Hope Was Lost 