I visited my friend recently
I could feel myself personifying it
Thinking life into every branch and leaf
It told me I looked well watered
I could not tell it that I had been crying
But I think it knew
I sat in it’s shade
Pressed the bark against my skull
Let it tell me about all it had seen
There is rebar sticking through the tree
I dare not ask
But I wonder if it had been stabbed
Or if it grew around it
Undeterred by obstacles
Let me tell you a secret
Swear that you’ll speak it
Memories hurt the deepest
Self love or don’t love at all
They’re temporary
Stand alone or fall apart
Miss nothing or miss it all
Mourn the idea
And you’ll never recover
I don’t hold things sacred often. But I drive by this tree everyday. Seeing it in the morning and in the evening used to be a point of shame for me. This tree is a five minute walk from my house. One year ago I walked out to this tree and I sat underneath it with my gun for several hours. I cried and screamed and was the closest I had ever been to commiting suicide. I had only loaded a single round into the magazine and when it felt like my head was splitting open I shot the gun into the ground and threw up. I voluntarily gave the gun to a close friend for until I’m healthier. Back then the grass was overgrown, there were pieces of rebar and the tree was bare from the cold weather. It’s now well kept as they are planning to sell the land. The last few weeks driving by this tree has been a comfort. It’s now a marker that I have had 365 victories in a row. I have been if only in this one aspect of my life successful. I don’t normally condone the marking of trees and stuff since they’re living but I made a small exception. This tree is sacred to me because I live. I don’t have a bright follow up message but I’m alive today and I’m thankful for that.
Nothing could stop me from loving you
But nothing seems fast approaching
I spent so long pushing against the trap that cripples me
Your voice at the nape of my neck
Kept my spine from splintering
But nothing is closing around me
Lifting me up like a doll
Another one of its playthings
I feel myself caving under the pressure
But that’s okay
It’s okay
i couldn’t see clearly
through the shimmer of serendipity
and though its wings would shelter me
i, in mourning my memories,
couldn’t see clearly.
but clip away those feathers
and steel my eyes to truth
i find myself awakened
aware and present of my mindlessness
embracing what i once feared
people are temporary
and the wind takes us whenever it pleases
i might find a heart to briefly match my rhythm
but those moments are even more precious
when they’re stolen or thrown away
i can see clearly
that beading drops of love can only buy time
the only solution is the rejection of it
and now even through the murk
i can see clearly
How Hope Was Lost 