Better this way

You’re so sweet

But so was she

And look what I did

You’d be another casualty

Must set you free

Must take responsibility

Because I can’t love you


You’re so sweet

But so was she

And look how she did me

You’ll easily forget

I’m sure you see

The lack of value in me

Because no one could love me


You’re so sweet

That I wish I was better

But you deserve more

I’ll never do right by you

And I can’t waste your time

Thank you for trying

But I don’t love me

Am I right

About the glow I see at night

A sickly hue

Is it the end of me

I barely sleep

And when I do I beg for it to be deep

I’m so disgusted with my reflection

It’s exhausting me

So much of my mind set to keeping stability

Of the rickety bridge beneath my feet

But I feel it calling me

The nauseating light

Always just at the edge of my mind

Urging me to leap

Am I right

I want to see

I can’t be the thing I was before

I’d like to see who I could be

Like is he happier with himself

Or does he smile more easily

My heart beats so much slower now

Like it knows what I’m thinking

I’m watching minutes become miles

A separate mind and corpse

I can’t cry much anymore

No more pity for me

Not even some from myself

Nor in anyone else

Please don’t be that thing

That haunts me so

Every mirror

A reminder

I am slipping

Losing grip

Slit purple wrists

Bleeding out

Whispering

Softly

I wonder

Will it

Hurt when

I

Take my

Life

Nothing could stop me from loving you

But nothing seems fast approaching

I spent so long pushing against the trap that cripples me

Your voice at the nape of my neck

Kept my spine from splintering

But nothing is closing around me

Lifting me up like a doll

Another one of its playthings

I feel myself caving under the pressure

But that’s okay

It’s okay

ghosts

She whispers harshly
That the ghosts have come
Hands and feet drag by
Like a winter fog

Knotted fingers grasp the door
Footsteps like last gasps of air
A cold chill rips up my spine
I look past my sister’s face

Hollow eyes stare back
Before I can scream
She is pulled away
When I close my eyes

I can still see the whites of hers

blindness (2012) redux

i couldn’t see clearly
through the shimmer of serendipity
and though its wings would shelter me
i, in mourning my memories,
couldn’t see clearly.

but clip away those feathers
and steel my eyes to truth
i find myself awakened
aware and present of my mindlessness
embracing what i once feared

people are temporary
and the wind takes us whenever it pleases
i might find a heart to briefly match my rhythm
but those moments are even more precious
when they’re stolen or thrown away

i can see clearly
that beading drops of love can only buy time
the only solution is the rejection of it
and now even through the murk
i can see clearly

Rest

There’s a hourglass in my chest
And I know what time it keeps
Even after all this fighting
I’m not really trying to stay awake

I haven’t closed the door on the sandman
Instead I built a maze to slow him down
Slow the shifting sands just until they can forget me
So I might enter that sleep with a clearer conscience

My sweet heart

My heart has gone. I wonder where you have been. Wandering son find your way home. You have been stretching yourself too far for too long. My sweet heart, it’s okay that you did not find what you were looking for. I’ve made a place for you to rest in my chest. We can try again tomorrow.

me cont.

Do you remember what it was like to watch movies on that laptop
The screen was the only light in the room and I’d sneak glances at you
I swear I’d never known what the word beautiful meant before you
You’re moving on now and I could swear I’d never known the word pain before
My heart is so raw and I wish I could say it was rare that I felt this way
But you know me I’m just damaged goods
And as much as you or anyone can say that I’m not
That I’m a good person
I’m addicted to hating myself
I love the idea of dying

Nothing I have ever written has been as hard as this next part. I’ve stared at this screen for the last few minutes crying. I don’t know why I’ve always lied to myself like this isn’t true. Trying to write this out has my chest tightening in a way that I haven’t felt very often. I’m crying harder now than I have during this whole situation. I love to hate myself but I hate that I want to love to myself more than anything.

I love the way I can make people smile
I love that people sometimes come to me
I love that my brother looks up to me
I love that my mother is proud of me
I love that when I look in the mirror sometimes I don’t want to kill myself
Because one day I’m going to love my children the way that I wanted to be loved
I love that I still think that I will get to have kids
I love that my dogs have both loved me
I love that I had to strength to move past all the people who used me
I love that there are good people who love me even when I can’t think of any reason to
I love that I’ll be a better man than my father
I love you me , so please let me breathe
Please let go of my heart and let me breathe peacefully
I love you me and as much as you revolt
I don’t want to let go
We’re in this together so please let my heart go
We don’t need him anymore so please let him go
I love you me, so please let us breathe
I want to breathe

Addendum to “Better Than Yesterday”

An addendum

Never mind! You don’t owe me
I’ve always been one to get up to speed slowly
I never wanted you to be unhappy, but now I never want to be unhappy again
Truly, I admire that you hope eventually you can still be my friend
But you took a date the next day
You’re out there talking about how your and his future may
Be something serious and how you might fly away
And to that “I am happy for you” is something I can honestly say
But you couldn’t wait until after the 25th to confirm that you were taking the dog soon
I don’t normally care about holidays but it’s been a hard season for me so to hear that was like my heart had been struck by a harpoon
And you know me so all the venom came out of my throat like a geyser
Maybe Christmas wasn’t the best time, you could have been a little bit wiser
And I don’t know if when you’re by yourself if you’ve been able to shed a single tear for me
But soon I won’t have any time to spare so don’t be surprised if you don’t hear from me
I need some fucking therapy
So I can be the man that I hope to be for me