I want to abandon all my rage That hugs me tightly and lashes out I will not stop beating upon my chest and gut Till this anger is fettered by reason And the seeds are buried in the rotted soil of my belly Pray that it takes root and grows Into a tree that sprouts and rips my skull open And from this gaping wound some flowers might blossom So that in my last moment I might finally bear fruit for my loved ones to eat
I never notice when the weight is lifted But I do know when it drops A crushing force to my porous corpse All my insides are flattened and I can see myself from the sky I keep expecting my whole life to be laid out So I can catalogue the backlog of reasons to not exist I will make assertions about my character that I struggle to shake Like black cats in ant hills My ears ringing deaf to self validation and grace My body torn asunder under the pressure of empty standards
Goodbye to the man that could have been I wish I had died in your place Your heart was so much fuller than mine Your smile came freely And your arms were strengthened by the conviction That your love was pure But you are gone And I am all that is left Not enough for myself Or anyone else So, goodbye to the man should have been
I was really looking forward to showing you how to write your name. How to turn ink into an inferno, a proud declaration of existence emblazoned on to a flag that you would stab into the mountain of life. I was excited to see you have all the confidence I could never muster in myself. I had hoped to nourish you enough that you would never fall apart at the thought of yourself. That I would be there after your first goodbye kiss to tell you from experience that it would be all right. But I am realizing now for the thousandth time that I am not the man I hoped I would be.
I do not sleep much. I have been laying in bed thinking about how we will never meet. I used to be crippled by emotions but now I am running on empty. Every three steps forward is followed by thirty leaps back. That even if I could pull you into existence I do not think I would ever do right by you. I always end up not doing right by people. Because I have never done right by myself.
Unless it was right to not subject you to all this by realizing I am never going to be a father.
Think in your minds eye the person or place you would most like to see when it all begins to recede. The universe stops expanding and starts a hasty retreat. The Sun swells with immense melancholic pride to face its approaching demise and its light bloodies the sky and drowns out our cries. As that silence sweeps over us with whom would you find the most peace?
Right now I could not think of a single person who would pick me. Any face that I can conjure would rather be with another and I could not fault a single one. So I think I would pick my dog and hope that she would do me the favor and stay at my side. I would wrap my arms around her and put my head into her shoulder so that I could not see in her eyes where she would rather be.