Become

I’m pathetic
There I said it
Why can’t I bite my tongue
Why’s every little bit of emotion got to be wrung
Out and aired like dirty laundry
I can’t find the balance in me
It’s eating up my insides and I’m fucking done
Ready to get another gun
And keep pulling the trigger till even my soul is dead
Take that leap of faith, crash head first into a pool filled with lead
Hope that if the fall doesn’t do it the pieces of my skull will enter my brain
Take a long razor and open my throat to cut the cord that won’t stop bringing words to this pain
I want to die & every little bit of suicide in me are just nails and knickknacks that I kept in my shed
Baggage that I refused to toss out from when any emotion was better than the voices in my head
But I’m not a kid, not yet a man
Fuck the plan
I’m ready to run myself down till I’m in the ground
Scream eternal while kicking the dirt in on me till no one hears a sound
I want to kill myself. I want to die. I want to die. I want to die.
So, why won’t I fucking shut up and try?!
Because I need to feed my dog every day
Because there’s not a fucking thing in this world that’ll get in my way
When I come for you and eventually nothing will be able to stop me when I come looking for me too
I’m not ready to be the black mark on my mothers heart, my name a taboo
No, I’m not done living and every little bit of suicide can pester me till the day I actually die from something other than me
Because I want to be free
Of this burden
Of this demon
Of this suffering
I am going to keep untwisting the shackles of my depression, anxiety, insecurity and pride
Till I find that little me who all those years ago chose to hide
And I’m going to hug him, I’m going to hold him till we’re one in body and soul
Try and give back all the happiness that I stole
I won’t ever be able to love who I am
But maybe I can love the person I’ll become

I fell asleep but my dreams chased me away

The nausea of what I’d done still in my head as if to say

That it was not a nightmare but a premonition

A promise of my continued condition

That there is no peace to be had in the future

That I should just tear at this suture

To let all the chaos flow from me like a river

And into the void my soul I should deliver

The Train

Last night I watched a train enamored with it’s presence and show
I wondered what it’d be like to race one, really give it a go
Or cross it’s path and leave this world in a violent spray of sparks and fire
The sound of screeching metal the last song I’d ever hear, bellowing higher
Than any scream I could muster, than any cry of anguish I could ever hope to make
But it didn’t take any energy to not accelerate, another instance where my own life I could not take
The simple beauty of the metal wheels hurling past me was enough for me
It’s speeding mass a reminder that no matter what I do there’s a one way to guarantee
An end to the chaos in my mind, a simple solution to a tiny complex conundrum
So I closed my eyes and just listened to the train sing away my depression’s tantrum

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Who knows

I want to give you better but that might not be me
It’s just like me to not see what kind of man I am
All this time I’ve been hiding the sadness in me
Or maybe you saw it in me
Who knows
Killing myself every other night because it’d feel so good to just not
To just not be the thing that held you down, to not be the thing that held me
So close to the ground, I’d hate to be buried because some of me would exist
Isn’t that sick
Isn’t it funny, I’ve been making jokes at my expense
People have been laughing that awkward laugh like where they’re looking
At the person next to me so they don’t have to make eye contact
It’s the burden of my presence but I think I’d be happier if I wasn’t present
At least I couldn’t be depressed
I wouldn’t forced to see the happiness in everyone around me
Or I won’t let me or I won’t let me
Who knows
It’s all in me but I can’t seem to parse through it
Breathing has become weirder like the irregular fluttering of a hurt butterfly
I catch myself thinking of what it could mean to be free
And if that freedom comes at the end of a barrel or at the top of a ladder
Like atop of a mountain there’ll be salvation for this turmoil
Who knows
I’m on one of those trips again
I’m in love with the sky when the sun is going down
Like maybe it’d be that way when I ride off into it
I’m the king of nothing but me but that’s nothing worth being

If I hurt you

I want to keep holding on
Warm my heart with this golden sun
Stability’s just a block away
Keep walking is what they say
Yeah! Yeah, I know
Yo, but do I though?
Careless with my body, baby
I’m just one misstep from crazy
I wonder if I love the calamity of my insanity
It’s a cold caress on the ember and coals of my hearth
We both know that it is fifty-fifty if I ever find my worth
I used to be to happy I think
I wonder if that’s true
A little kid chasing the dream of a family
Is that me?
Is that a false memory?
Do I really feel pain this intensely?
I’d hate to think so but then again I know I do
Hey you little asshole let me fucking love you
Sorry about that, my inner child likes to play hide and…stay fucking hidden I guess?
He’s a pest
I want to strangle him till there’s no breath left
I’m just kidding I’m just ornery. You see I’ve been the victim of a theft.
Robbed of a childhood with loving parents that tell me the truth
No, it doesn’t really take much of a sleuth
To figure out what’s wrong with me I’m a product of misanthropy
A little bit of a chemical mix-up, the son of a psycho and a hot blooded lady
Oooh, if I could just throw it all up I would
Take an ax to this evil tree and make me some firewood
Burn away all of this into ash and dirt
Take the carbon and hug it into a tiny diamond of some self-worth

Baron

I persist
Seconds into minutes and still I resist
Concentrated effort poured into my gullet and yet you still exist
Simple, elegant and just out of my reach so I tear at the tendons of my wrist
To try and touch you, memories plague this mortal coil shrouded in a purple mist
Milky mirrors make me mourn the mire of of my melancholic mind.
But I keep staring into the abyss because you’re the one thing I hope to find
Traveling on the road of hope in search of better times
Lost in the limelight of a brighter future moving past my pastiche rhymes
Your silhouette is fading and the distance between us is growing
I stumble and fall, frantically crawling but my pace is slowing
I wear a crown of lilacs because I am the baron of hopelessness
Of course you wouldn’t want to be this miasma’s baroness
Without a care I dare to live in the hope of a better tomorrow
The limelight flickers and shatters revealing the shade of my sorrow
I am the baron of hopelessness, I am the king of my own black hole
A castle built with bricks of imbalance holding up the tattered flag of my soul
Slumping into my throne a varied bunting sings heralding his presence
A grey hood shifts in stale air, two bright bulbs of heliotrope confirming his omniscience
A violent maw splits spewing thunderous cackling laughter
An indigo fire rages burning my kingdom floor to rafters
Minutes become months and I build again
A monument to my every sin
I am the baron of hopelessness
My ribs bow with the stress
Am I going to fail to keep you inside
And whose place was it to decide
That this evil would be paired with me
A demon demanding to be set free
Enveloping me in this putrid mist
Razor petals cut my wrist
Excruciatingly I exist
Pathetically I resist
I persist

Just being a mess

Roses are red
Violets are blue
I want to be dead
Can’t you take a clue

I just want to choke and die because one of my biggest flaws is that I always make myself my feel all the things that hurt. I know what was it was like to lose you way before we ever broke up as kids. I’m all too familiar to being too into what’s not into me. I’m, always the one to reach out first and put myself out there but never cool enough to hold back and let good things come to me. Stare in a mirror and realize I’m physically weaker than I was five years ago. I’m heavier, I have less hair. The small physical reasons to die are adding up like extra rounds in a revolver. I’ll never grow taller or be a lot smarter. I’m falling farther and farther and farther from all the things that I made to mean me. I’m holding myself back because I’m afraid of not being successful. I hate myself because I was never honestly loved as a kid or even if I was I was so preoccupied with making sure I knew that it was all a lie to ever feel it. I can’t tell if I’m the demon or if he’s in me holding all these memories above my head like a hangman’s post. Laughing and pulling this noose around my neck with my eyes closed tears slipping past those pathetic gates that couldn’t see my worth even if it was wrapped in a chest of glitter and gold. My eyes are closed as I write this because I can’t bare to see if I’m breaking through or being left behind. If I can’t let me live then why won’t I kill me. Why won’t I let me kill myself. I want to die. I want to die. I want to die. I want to die. I want to die. I want to die. I want to die. I want to die. I want to die. I want to die. I want to die. I want to die. I want to die. I want to love you, me. So why can’t you learn to breathe easily.