Tag Archives: suicide

Posted by howhopewaslost on

I am never quiet
Even when I am silent
I am never alone
Even when I am by myself
I am interlocked with the loudest part of me
A twisted echo in this hollow skull
So incessant that I tried to exorcize it
With 115 grains of holy full metal silence

And even though I “succeeded” in failure
This gaping wound not made yet still remains
When I look in the mirror
I see a Cheshire grinned copy
The hole through his…our head sutured but seeping
And stretching, the fibers are tearing
Where I have languished in grief and heartbreak
This grotesque simulacrum flourishes in that rot

I ruefully make eye contact with this doppelganger
And watch as he peels apart my skin
But to turn away would invite him into reality
So my subconscious insists upon our connection
As if to say drink in all that is you
A mountain of ether
A crown of air
A body of black matter

As the space between us closes in
And becomes too much to bear
He begins to sing a siren call
So loud that I cannot keep myself intact
I am degloving to the sound of cracking glass
But if I were to just give in and collapse
I would shed this self directed agnosia
Our voices would finally resonate as one and maybe then I will finally be quiet

Posted by howhopewaslost on

I want to abandon all my rage
That hugs me tightly and lashes out
I will not stop beating upon my chest and gut
Till this anger is fettered by reason
And the seeds are buried in the rotted soil of my belly
Pray that it takes root and grows
Into a tree that sprouts and rips my skull open
And from this gaping wound some flowers might blossom
So that in my last moment I might finally bear fruit for my loved ones to eat

Posted by howhopewaslost on

I never notice when the weight is lifted
But I do know when it drops
A crushing force to my porous corpse
All my insides are flattened and I can see myself from the sky
I keep expecting my whole life to be laid out
So I can catalogue the backlog of reasons to not exist
I will make assertions about my character that I struggle to shake
Like black cats in ant hills
My ears ringing deaf to self validation and grace
My body torn asunder under the pressure of empty standards

Dense

Posted by howhopewaslost on

Stuttering validation
Shortness of breath
I am
Pressing our souls
Together like hands held
In content and contempt

Tenderly laying me to rest
Your smile is betrayed
By the pity in your countenance
My heart and eyes are heavy
I would rather leave
But I keep pushing

Posted by howhopewaslost on

I visited my friend recently

I could feel myself personifying it

Thinking life into every branch and leaf

It told me I looked well watered

I could not tell it that I had been crying

But I think it knew

I sat in it’s shade

Pressed the bark against my skull

Let it tell me about all it had seen

There is rebar sticking through the tree

I dare not ask

But I wonder if it had been stabbed

Or if it grew around it

Undeterred by obstacles

Inevitability

Posted by howhopewaslost on

I am not sure if I can do this any more
And at my lowest a memory reminds me
Of a time from long before
Cruelly corrupted by my coddled entropy

My wicked hands drum up a devil
Whose eyes are purple and green
Gifts outstretched and ready to revel
Upon this gruesome scene

Whether it be poisoned water
Or a piece of cold rounded lead
In an old colt revolver
I come back to rather being dead

Because I am
Way more comfortable in pain
And all this “growth” is a scam
Synthetic hope to shoot in my veins

I keep tricking people into a belief
That my tomorrow is guaranteed
But I am a liar and a thief
Robbing their trust for my needs

Whether it be injection or a gun
In the end my body will burn
I am ready for this to be done
I am ready to rest in my urn

Posted by howhopewaslost on

I don’t hold things sacred often. But I drive by this tree everyday. Seeing it in the morning and in the evening used to be a point of shame for me. This tree is a five minute walk from my house. One year ago I walked out to this tree and I sat underneath it with my gun for several hours. I cried and screamed and was the closest I had ever been to commiting suicide. I had only loaded a single round into the magazine and when it felt like my head was splitting open I shot the gun into the ground and threw up. I voluntarily gave the gun to a close friend for until I’m healthier. Back then the grass was overgrown, there were pieces of rebar and the tree was bare from the cold weather. It’s now well kept as they are planning to sell the land. The last few weeks driving by this tree has been a comfort. It’s now a marker that I have had 365 victories in a row. I have been if only in this one aspect of my life successful. I don’t normally condone the marking of trees and stuff since they’re living but I made a small exception. This tree is sacred to me because I live. I don’t have a bright follow up message but I’m alive today and I’m thankful for that.

Posted by howhopewaslost on

Callous conversation quick to categorize the case closed on my capricious character

But I can see the monsters tumbling from my eyes

Wet and shivering backs rise out of my tears

Their sinewy emaciated skin revealing the lack of fulfillment

Fingertips like hooks reach for my sleep

They never seem satiated

Maybe if I died they’d be content

But I wonder if they’d just float along the waves of grief

Laying their eggs into the people I love

An invasive species of sorrrow

Posted by howhopewaslost on

Hope these pills open me up

To a more pleasant breath

I’m all fucked up

My dog has been sleeping on my legs lately

Like she’s keeping my soul anchored to my body

Tell the people close to me to be alert

I might have an adverse reaction

Keep telling myself it’ll be okay

But I’m so afraid of Falls now

How do I get up

If I’m still prone from the last drop

I hated hearing that I wasn’t making it up

I held hope that I was just dramatic

That I was just full of fabrications

But I’m a tad bit more than a little crazy

Just shy of killing myself

Because even in suicidal tendencies I’m a half-ass

There’s a stigma tied to my symptoms I’m told

It’s all very well defined and nothing to be ashamed of

They say I might feel worse and to taper off

But if it means commitment I’ll just double down

I’d rather feel sure about death than keep living like this

Posted by howhopewaslost on

Am I right

About the glow I see at night

A sickly hue

Is it the end of me

I barely sleep

And when I do I beg for it to be deep

I’m so disgusted with my reflection

It’s exhausting me

So much of my mind set to keeping stability

Of the rickety bridge beneath my feet

But I feel it calling me

The nauseating light

Always just at the edge of my mind

Urging me to leap

Am I right

I want to see

Posted by howhopewaslost on

I can’t be the thing I was before

I’d like to see who I could be

Like is he happier with himself

Or does he smile more easily

My heart beats so much slower now

Like it knows what I’m thinking

I’m watching minutes become miles

A separate mind and corpse

I can’t cry much anymore

No more pity for me

Not even some from myself

Nor in anyone else

Please don’t be that thing

That haunts me so

Every mirror

A reminder

I am slipping

Losing grip

Slit purple wrists

Bleeding out

Whispering

Softly

I wonder

Will it

Hurt when

I

Take my

Life

Posted by howhopewaslost on

Nothing could stop me from loving you

But nothing seems fast approaching

I spent so long pushing against the trap that cripples me

Your voice at the nape of my neck

Kept my spine from splintering

But nothing is closing around me

Lifting me up like a doll

Another one of its playthings

I feel myself caving under the pressure

But that’s okay

It’s okay

blindness (2012) redux

Posted by howhopewaslost on

i couldn’t see clearly
through the shimmer of serendipity
and though its wings would shelter me
i, in mourning my memories,
couldn’t see clearly.

but clip away those feathers
and steel my eyes to truth
i find myself awakened
aware and present of my mindlessness
embracing what i once feared

people are temporary
and the wind takes us whenever it pleases
i might find a heart to briefly match my rhythm
but those moments are even more precious
when they’re stolen or thrown away

i can see clearly
that beading drops of love can only buy time
the only solution is the rejection of it
and now even through the murk
i can see clearly