Better than yesterday

I need therapy
You know I haven’t been very fair to me
I’m sure my mother wanted to be at my elementary concert
I knew she couldn’t but it didn’t stop me from lying that she had to work

It didn’t change that when I looked out at that sea of faces
My innocent eyes fell onto two empty spaces
The man, by all accounts my father, couldn’t even bother to show
So my gaze kept pacing across all those loving smiles with no where to go

I’d never felt real heartbreak until that day
“Why don’t they love me” was the first thing I’d ever heard the demon say
And he’d orate to me the many sins of my being alive
His diction nasty and gnarled behind snapping teeth but he never spoke any lies

My insecurities about never having felt like a son
Led me to toxic blood that picked me up and made me into one
I was driven to hurt and be hurt out of a sick sense of loyalty
All the while that blood stroked the fires of my entropy

I dipped my hands into the sweet release of violence
The pain a welcome ringing to buy me some silence
Suffering offered up to satiate the evil inside
A reprieve from all the voices that made wish I had prematurely died

And even they left me behind
My softness a reminder that I was a broken find
A weak heart that wanted to be loved and to love
A sick mind that knows I’ll never be enough

But it’s harder now than it’s ever been
Because with you I found some kind of salvation

You’re supposed to be my chosen family
How the fuck can you abandon me
I never wanted you to be unhappy
So why didn’t you fucking slap me
Push my face into the wall
And let me know that I was at risk of losing it all
Wait, stop I need to be be better than I was yesterday
I need to be better than I was yesterday
One step ahead of the other keep focused on the light
But actually I’m stumbling around in the middle of the night
Wondering if you’re out there trying to replace me
Clawing at and fighting myself trying to not disgrace me
Seeing you so quickly put me on the shelf
Please I need to stop this and be better for myself
Trying to stay true to the man I want to be
For when you think of me
Even if I knew I know I wouldn’t find peace
And all that’d come of it would be that I’d know with a mentally ill guarantee
That you’re laughing and smiling with some other man
I’d never ask you to be unhappy but couldn’t there have been a fucking plan
Couldn’t you have given me a chance to be by my side while I got better
A moments notice before you pulled that fucking lever
Because now I’m swimming in this sea of depression
Flailing and grabbing at anything to lessen
The burden of my heartache
And it’s not your fault that I’m sick every minute that I’m awake
It’s not your responsibility to watch over me while I rest
To keep the demon from crawling back in and out of my chest

But you’re supposed to be my family
Some part of my sickness thinks you take moments out of each night to laugh at me
That when we see each other again you’ll smile and look down on me callously
Like it isn’t a fucking fallacy
That you want me to be happy but you didn’t think to let me in on the fact you weren’t

You used to mention that it made you sad that even when I was mad at you
If you cried I’d immediately try and comfort you
But I can’t expect that of you or anyone else
Because you can’t really love someone who doesn’t love themselves

I need to get some fucking therapy
Because if I don’t want to kill myself all I want is for you to marry me
I need to be better than I was yesterday
I want to find the good parts of me and throw the rest away
So that I can stand up tall and be righteous in my affection
And to be free of all remnants of the unhealthy obsession
I want be better than I was yesterday
And find the little boy looking out at the crowd for his family
To see you smiling back at the man I want to be when you think of me

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