Posted by howhopewaslost on

I want to abandon all my rage
That hugs me tightly and lashes out
I will not stop beating upon my chest and gut
Till this anger is fettered by reason
And the seeds are buried in the rotted soil of my belly
Pray that it takes root and grows
Into a tree that sprouts and rips my skull open
And from this gaping wound some flowers might blossom
So that in my last moment I might finally bear fruit for my loved ones to eat

Posted by howhopewaslost on

I’m behind the parapet looking over into the endless.

I bet she’s sleeping soundly at this very moment; wrapped or held and beyond the stars.

I feel the chasm call to me. It whispers sweet nothings and promises salvation.

I bet she is or will be loved.

So I leap.

Posted by howhopewaslost on 
I am pressing on into something better I hope

Life is short and I'll be unable to witness any fruits

But maybe for a brief moment there will be no labor

And I can breathe in deeply a calming stillness

Posted by howhopewaslost on

I never notice when the weight is lifted
But I do know when it drops
A crushing force to my porous corpse
All my insides are flattened and I can see myself from the sky
I keep expecting my whole life to be laid out
So I can catalogue the backlog of reasons to not exist
I will make assertions about my character that I struggle to shake
Like black cats in ant hills
My ears ringing deaf to self validation and grace
My body torn asunder under the pressure of empty standards

Posted by howhopewaslost on

There is a cold embrace
That I must face
A desire to live and be well
That I must now quell

I simply can not escape this forest
For this dolt is just a tourist
A disruptive visitor
Looking for something simpler

Good riddance to dreams
They only ever tore at my seams
Pulling me away my stability
And reminding me of all the fear still in me

Dense

Posted by howhopewaslost on

Stuttering validation
Shortness of breath
I am
Pressing our souls
Together like hands held
In content and contempt

Tenderly laying me to rest
Your smile is betrayed
By the pity in your countenance
My heart and eyes are heavy
I would rather leave
But I keep pushing

eulogy

Posted by howhopewaslost on

Goodbye to the man that could have been
I wish I had died in your place
Your heart was so much fuller than mine
Your smile came freely
And your arms were strengthened by the conviction
That your love was pure
But you are gone
And I am all that is left
Not enough for myself
Or anyone else
So, goodbye to the man should have been

Posted by howhopewaslost on

I am forgetting how you smell

I have been refusing to remind myself

Of the sound of your laugh

So it can fade into the past

But I still feel where your thighs would hold my knee

Like someone carved the meat & bone out of me

And as your beauty fades

My rot remains

You are far from perfect

But I am clearly a derelict

All this dedication to my contrition

All the good intentions but I forgot the mission

I was not supposed to sleep

Till the whisper of a foxglove did not make me weep

Joy and pain come to me quickly

They rip and tear into me cruelly

Posted by howhopewaslost on

Was once told that maybe no one could feel like me

Lately I have thought that I do not feel like me

The deep ridges of my fingertips

That I carved so recklessly

Have filled in

Every thing I touched knew

That my id was suffering

Now I am nothing

My tornadoes are ending

And the hurricanes recede

Wondered if the Sun would show

But these pregnant clouds will not leave

I can feel the pores of my skin pool

With their stagnant warm water

But is it not in stale ponds

Where the most harmful bacteria grow

Posted by howhopewaslost on

I visited my friend recently

I could feel myself personifying it

Thinking life into every branch and leaf

It told me I looked well watered

I could not tell it that I had been crying

But I think it knew

I sat in it’s shade

Pressed the bark against my skull

Let it tell me about all it had seen

There is rebar sticking through the tree

I dare not ask

But I wonder if it had been stabbed

Or if it grew around it

Undeterred by obstacles

ngtbaf

Posted by howhopewaslost on

I was really looking forward to showing you how to write your name. How to turn ink into an inferno, a proud declaration of existence emblazoned on to a flag that you would stab into the mountain of life. I was excited to see you have all the confidence I could never muster in myself. I had hoped to nourish you enough that you would never fall apart at the thought of yourself. That I would be there after your first goodbye kiss to tell you from experience that it would be all right. But I am realizing now for the thousandth time that I am not the man I hoped I would be.

I do not sleep much. I have been laying in bed thinking about how we will never meet. I used to be crippled by emotions but now I am running on empty. Every three steps forward is followed by thirty leaps back. That even if I could pull you into existence I do not think I would ever do right by you. I always end up not doing right by people. Because I have never done right by myself.

Unless it was right to not subject you to all this by realizing I am never going to be a father.

Inevitability

Posted by howhopewaslost on

I am not sure if I can do this any more
And at my lowest a memory reminds me
Of a time from long before
Cruelly corrupted by my coddled entropy

My wicked hands drum up a devil
Whose eyes are purple and green
Gifts outstretched and ready to revel
Upon this gruesome scene

Whether it be poisoned water
Or a piece of cold rounded lead
In an old colt revolver
I come back to rather being dead

Because I am
Way more comfortable in pain
And all this “growth” is a scam
Synthetic hope to shoot in my veins

I keep tricking people into a belief
That my tomorrow is guaranteed
But I am a liar and a thief
Robbing their trust for my needs

Whether it be injection or a gun
In the end my body will burn
I am ready for this to be done
I am ready to rest in my urn

When it ends

Posted by howhopewaslost on

Think in your minds eye the person or place you would most like to see when it all begins to recede. The universe stops expanding and starts a hasty retreat. The Sun swells with immense melancholic pride to face its approaching demise and its light bloodies the sky and drowns out our cries. As that silence sweeps over us with whom would you find the most peace?

Right now I could not think of a single person who would pick me. Any face that I can conjure would rather be with another and I could not fault a single one. So I think I would pick my dog and hope that she would do me the favor and stay at my side. I would wrap my arms around her and put my head into her shoulder so that I could not see in her eyes where she would rather be.

Posted by howhopewaslost on

I often have to say out loud “Don’t hurt yourself.” in the middle of making a decision that will harm me in order to stop. It feels like I am walking in on someone else in my body. I am both invader and the invaded. I will be in control and out of it. I am present and yet after telling myself out loud to stop I am more present than I had been just before. Maybe I am the stranger in my body and the voice that says to stop isn’t mine.

I can not even say for sure if other people feel this way. My first thought is that this is not an unusual experience and that I am, in the drama of my mental state, making it more than it is. However I could very well be in flux. Constantly phasing between self-love and self-hatred. I can only speak to my own experience and even then barely.

I want to say that I am doing better and it not feel like I am lying.