Category Archives: Life

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Posted by howhopewaslost on

I wrote this in 2009. I was 17 years old. A sobering and morose reminder that this thing in me has been there for the majority of my life and I’ve yet to conquer it.

Insecurity.

It lurks,
threatens my every thought
Even those I don’t yet fathom.

I must be strong.

Wakes me with a kiss,
and with duplicitous panache,
stirs bittersweet introspection into my tea.

I must stand my ground.

Derisive laughter heralds it’s presence,
Ha! Ha! Ha!
an un-winnable internal battle ensues…

Please, no…

Really now?
What shit is this!?
Do you think these words, your words, matter?
How laughable! How pathetic! How naive of you!

Shake it! Just shake it off, my words DO matter!

Bullshit!
There isn’t any talent
inside your addled head,
even if there was,
who could possibly care?!
Why waste valuable time
energy and emotion when
not a single person gives a shit!?

Artistic expression doesn’t have to be anything but what it is. . .

What artistic expression?!
When I write…
Who ARE you kidding?!
I’m not trying to kid anyone.. I
Why pretend? We both you aren’t worth shit in this world!
I..

You’ve nothing to offer of yourself or anyone else
with your pitiful ”abilities”, nothing!
Look at the records!
How many have left you?
How many respect you?
How many have given you the slip?!

I begin succumb to the doubt, why fight it?
What’s the goddamned point of it all?

Fuck it!
I give up… no… we give in.

Just being a mess

Posted by howhopewaslost on

Roses are red
Violets are blue
I want to be dead
Can’t you take a clue

I just want to choke and die because one of my biggest flaws is that I always make myself my feel all the things that hurt. I know what was it was like to lose you way before we ever broke up as kids. I’m all too familiar to being too into what’s not into me. I’m, always the one to reach out first and put myself out there but never cool enough to hold back and let good things come to me. Stare in a mirror and realize I’m physically weaker than I was five years ago. I’m heavier, I have less hair. The small physical reasons to die are adding up like extra rounds in a revolver. I’ll never grow taller or be a lot smarter. I’m falling farther and farther and farther from all the things that I made to mean me. I’m holding myself back because I’m afraid of not being successful. I hate myself because I was never honestly loved as a kid or even if I was I was so preoccupied with making sure I knew that it was all a lie to ever feel it. I can’t tell if I’m the demon or if he’s in me holding all these memories above my head like a hangman’s post. Laughing and pulling this noose around my neck with my eyes closed tears slipping past those pathetic gates that couldn’t see my worth even if it was wrapped in a chest of glitter and gold. My eyes are closed as I write this because I can’t bare to see if I’m breaking through or being left behind. If I can’t let me live then why won’t I kill me. Why won’t I let me kill myself. I want to die. I want to die. I want to die. I want to die. I want to die. I want to die. I want to die. I want to die. I want to die. I want to die. I want to die. I want to die. I want to die. I want to love you, me. So why can’t you learn to breathe easily.

A Dissonance: Part 2

Posted by howhopewaslost on

She whispered into my throat
A blood soaked gaping hole
There’s no dignity in suicide
Your horrible visage is all you’ll leave behind

Followed by broken hearts and dry mouths
And people talking at your funeral like they really knew what you were about
You become a martyr for nothing, a rotting statue in the memory of you
A burden on the hearts of your friends, “Oh no! What shall they do?”

They’ll be sad. They’ll be devastated. But they will always be normal
Six months to a year life’s moved on for most and even the worst it’s a numb turmoil
Eventually it’ll have been years and they’ll remember you and cry for an hour
Then the next day be smiling stronger than ever because you have no power

You see they’re not the fucked up thing that you are
You don’t get to fill up a heart and you don’t get to leave a scar
Because normal people get up and move on
It’ll be selfish in the moment but then you’ll get to move on

 

A Dissonance: Part 1

Posted by howhopewaslost on

As I watched the sun set down on me
It suddenly dawned on me
That I was letting life stall on me
And I slipped and fell fast into an economy
Of perfectly palatable platitudes praising my positive life plans
Just boring banalities sounding like brittle bones breaking against my bereaved brain
Doomed to die a definite death in the dungeons of my depression and desire

Lukewarm attitudes and watered down sentiments

 

 

Better than yesterday

Posted by howhopewaslost on

I need therapy
You know I haven’t been very fair to me
I’m sure my mother wanted to be at my elementary concert
I knew she couldn’t but it didn’t stop me from lying that she had to work

It didn’t change that when I looked out at that sea of faces
My innocent eyes fell onto two empty spaces
The man, by all accounts my father, couldn’t even bother to show
So my gaze kept pacing across all those loving smiles with no where to go

I’d never felt real heartbreak until that day
“Why don’t they love me” was the first thing I’d ever heard the demon say
And he’d orate to me the many sins of my being alive
His diction nasty and gnarled behind snapping teeth but he never spoke any lies

My insecurities about never having felt like a son
Led me to toxic blood that picked me up and made me into one
I was driven to hurt and be hurt out of a sick sense of loyalty
All the while that blood stroked the fires of my entropy

I dipped my hands into the sweet release of violence
The pain a welcome ringing to buy me some silence
Suffering offered up to satiate the evil inside
A reprieve from all the voices that made wish I had prematurely died

And even they left me behind
My softness a reminder that I was a broken find
A weak heart that wanted to be loved and to love
A sick mind that knows I’ll never be enough

But it’s harder now than it’s ever been
Because with you I found some kind of salvation

You’re supposed to be my chosen family
How the fuck can you abandon me
I never wanted you to be unhappy
So why didn’t you fucking slap me
Push my face into the wall
And let me know that I was at risk of losing it all
Wait, stop I need to be be better than I was yesterday
I need to be better than I was yesterday
One step ahead of the other keep focused on the light
But actually I’m stumbling around in the middle of the night
Wondering if you’re out there trying to replace me
Clawing at and fighting myself trying to not disgrace me
Seeing you so quickly put me on the shelf
Please I need to stop this and be better for myself
Trying to stay true to the man I want to be
For when you think of me
Even if I knew I know I wouldn’t find peace
And all that’d come of it would be that I’d know with a mentally ill guarantee
That you’re laughing and smiling with some other man
I’d never ask you to be unhappy but couldn’t there have been a fucking plan
Couldn’t you have given me a chance to be by my side while I got better
A moments notice before you pulled that fucking lever
Because now I’m swimming in this sea of depression
Flailing and grabbing at anything to lessen
The burden of my heartache
And it’s not your fault that I’m sick every minute that I’m awake
It’s not your responsibility to watch over me while I rest
To keep the demon from crawling back in and out of my chest

But you’re supposed to be my family
Some part of my sickness thinks you take moments out of each night to laugh at me
That when we see each other again you’ll smile and look down on me callously
Like it isn’t a fucking fallacy
That you want me to be happy but you didn’t think to let me in on the fact you weren’t

You used to mention that it made you sad that even when I was mad at you
If you cried I’d immediately try and comfort you
But I can’t expect that of you or anyone else
Because you can’t really love someone who doesn’t love them

I need to get some fucking therapy
Because if I don’t want to kill myself all I want is for you to marry me
I need to be better than I was yesterday
I want to find the good parts of me and throw the rest away
So that I can stand up tall and be righteous in my affection
And to be free of all remnants of the unhealthy obsession
I want be better than I was yesterday
And find the little boy looking out at the crowd for his family
To see you smiling back at the man I want to be when you think of me

One moment at a time

Posted by howhopewaslost on

A little preamble on this. I wrote the first two lines of this in 2013 when I started to feel suicidal again. It felt like a huge step back for me. I honestly don’t know much about depression and anxiety. I was diagnosed when I was a child and put on Zoloft for about a year and when on the medication I felt either numb or severely suicidal. So I stopped. I stopped taking the medication and for a while I struggled with my insecurities, anxieties and depression but it was manageable and over time I felt like I had entered a better place. I still had crippling insecurities and anxiety but my depression was much less of an issue.

Fast forward to 2013 and it started to rear it’s ugly head again. It’s been five years now and I recently have hit a peak in my emotions and it really tossed the balance out the window. I am not sure if I will be able to love myself. Part of me wants to try and looks for reasons to live. Another part of me finds each of those reasons excruciating because that part wants to die. The obligations, connections and logic behind living is traumatic. Another barrier to finding peace in not existing.

When I wrote these two lines I assumed that I did love myself. That that’s why I was struggling so much with killing myself. But now I know that I don’t love myself and maybe that’s okay. I thought about slitting my wrists length wise and then shooting myself. So that even if I miss my brain stem I’d bleed to death. I googled the best way to shoot myself to ensure that’d I die. I found some forums discussing it but with platitudes about not hurting yourself and it start the hum of disassociation in me. That I didn’t want read or hear about being safe or better. On my third search result I read an article about a woman named Christen McGinnes and she saved my life this morning.

I love you, me
Then why don’t I want to breathe

I love you, me.  So why don’t I want to breathe? So obsessed with doing right by people but I’m not doing right by me. I’m not doing right by me. I’m not holding true any of my principles and philosophies. I’m begging you to hold on, please. But it be can’t her and it can’t them. It has to be me. I love you, me. I want to love you, me. Let me hold you and make still this heart attack.

Nightmare

Posted by howhopewaslost on

God, it’s been raining
And I know what you’re saying
That while I’m crying about this illness
You’re begging your son to ask you for forgiveness
That if I’d ask you pull me in your arms and clean my heart
But you’re not real and I never want any of my suffering to be very far
You see I hold it close because it’s all I’ve known
And with it I’d never be alone
Millions of little voices whispering all the evil things that may be happening
Each of their little footsteps are dampening
My senses… and yet they were burning in a deep purple fire
Then I tripped into a well and I started drowning but I was just glad to be out of the pyre
Instead of suffocating my lungs were filled with something sweet and I became addicted
I started to live to love a life with a love of mine that was my life, I was afflicted
By the greatest lie that could ever be
That anyone could ever love me
I believed in that lie & for a very long while it seemed like everything might’ve been fine
But little did I know that just in the nick of time a seed was planted by the demon in me
His one fang dripped with our poison as I dunked into the most nurturing of places
And as hard as it fought the love in that well couldn’t stop it from taking soil on
And God that demon is more real to me than you’d ever be and I’m his son
Because you watched as he planted that seed that’d sprout lilacs and amethyst wings
You watched as it’s pollen would become voices that whispered the same terrible things
That drove me to the brink before but now that well is gone & there’s just an edge that encompasses all
And God it’s no short fall

Every Season

Posted by howhopewaslost on

I could probably describe love with any number of cliches but I’ve chosen this one. Love is in many ways just like the relationship I have with the weather. It’s hot, it’s cold, it could be better and it could never be more perfect. A constant hypocrisy.

I could never love anything like I love you. Maybe someday  when our children are born I’ll love something more than you. I’ll hold them close to my chest and feel the slight rhythm of their heart and know I’d die a million deaths to see them succeed. But I’ll never love someone ‘like’ I love you. Nothing will ever pull at me in so many directions like you have. Nothing will be imperfect in the most perfect ways like you.

So I’ll love you every season from now until I’m all out of seasons.

where i met the road

Posted by howhopewaslost on

you’re all so kind
you have convinced me that i have nothing to hide
it’s an exciting new affliction
what do you think

can you see that we’re so blind
choke on it, yeah, down that cyanide
express to me with all that conviction
bring me to the brink

burn baby, corrupt my mind
i love it, i’d definitely let you ride
we only live once so fuck restriction
capped with a smile and a wink

but my own love i couldn’t find
she’s so lost, i hope she hasn’t died
gurgle out her last respects, giving into my constriction
i killed my own love so this hate i shall drink

A Moment of Silence

Posted by howhopewaslost on

I live in the silence,
And I suffer from blindness.
I was embraced by the violence.
But I am a son of kindness.

Couldn’t you live–with–me?
Couldn’t you take–me–away?
Why can’t you see;
And why can’t you stay?

To my life I try to bring order,
While I’m told to live free.
I’m stuck on the border.
Between structure and sanity.

I reached into my chest
And felt the love that I’d kept.
I thought it would handle the rest,
But I awoke to the silence and mutely I wept.

I wanted to give you my world,
But I know you’d turn away from it.
Because, you’re not that girl
And so to the silence I recommit.